I have been asking for God to reveal what is holding me back (there's that over-achiever again), but I know I need to have my iniquity illumined so that I don't continue on in my "ways". So here it is, and it's ugly and shameful, but it's the truth. It didn't hurt like I thought it would, to have this exposed and I really do believe it's His forgiving love that prevents me from totally hating myself for this.
I have a certain degree (ahem) of "living well is the best revenge" within me. Looking back to when we had our financial problems, there were a few friends who were very critical of us. You know, they shook their heads and thought how foolish we were, shoulda saved for a rainy day and all that non-sense. Basically kicked us when we were down. Now it's their down time and I'm kickin back. I'm very sneaky about it too, so as to fool myself. Can't fool God though. Not only have I taken a somewhat self-righteous attitude toward them, but I have actually felt a little smugness and dare I say glee at not only their mis-fortune, but also the mis-fortune of their children. Yikes. It actually feels good to get that out. Okay, here's my redeeming quality. I don't want to feel this way about ANYBODY. I am WILLING to not feel this way. So, I admitted this to God (as if He didn't already know), asked for His forgiveness and boom, I've been having these yummy meditations where I feel how much God loves ALL of us, not my usual selfish meditation where it's about me, me, me. It feels really good to just feel His immence love and forgiveness that He has for all of us. This is just another form of giving. In fact the definition of forgiveness is giving something for (in place of, the original condemning thought). I run through all of the people I normally pray for, (and even though I had these feelings for some of my friends, I still prayed for them-or us, I guess) and in time it has been answered, cleared up, something my puny little human self was incapable of, but He could work through me, clearing up all this yuck and now I feel much more free. Those who tell you, "yeah, I forgive and forget, I don't hold grudges" are bs'ing, we're not capable of such love on our own. What they really mean is this, "yeah, I sweep everything under the rug until it explodes or I get sick". HUGE difference. And if you're judging me for any of my confessions above you need to ask God to reveal your iniquity. Plank in the eye and all that:)