Friday, January 13, 2012

Guilt...

A useless emotion. I'm finding that my dreams lately all have a common thread. Guilt. I need to release myself from these feelings. I had another dream a few nights ago and for the life of me could not figure it out. I was 50, lived at home with my parents sleeping on their couch (yikes). I was asleep on the couch when my dad came home from work in the wee hours of the morning. My mom was nowhere to be found. None of us knew her cell phone number or even if she had one. We didn't know very much about her at all. This is because my mom reveals nothing about herself. It turns out she was running away from home!!! Hahaha. She didn't want to be found. This is helping me release more guilt. I know that if the situation with my mom was instead with my daughter, there is NOTHING in the world, NOTHING she could say to me that could keep me from her. I would find her and make it right. My friend Anabel used to give me shit about not talking to my mom and then I told her that she knew where I lived and had my number and then she let it go, realizing there was more to this than just me being stubborn. There is an energy between us that keeps us apart and it's not all me. I think that my mom (maybe hidden deep in her subconsciousness) has an understanding of the kind of mother that she really was, but she can't bear the thought of it and so shame keeps her from having the kind of life she really wants. She has shame from her childhood that she's refused to deal with and it keeps manifesting shame in all areas of her life, this is what shame does. My mom is very childish and I think deep down she doesn't want to be found. She hides her real emotions and she hides from the truth. But the Truth will set her free. She doesn't ever talk about her parents or much else from her past. She has so much shame and she runs away from it (and yet it follows her everywhere). My mom prefers to sweep everything under the rug, deny that it ever happened. When I called her up several years ago, the first thing out of her mouth was that "as far as she was concerned it was all just water under the bridge". Now, denial has it's place in Spiritual growth, but first you need to be aware of the problem and then ask for it to be removed, and when it appears, fully knowing that God has answered your prayer, deny it's existance, because He has dissolved it back into the nothingness from which it came and this is just the last few screams as it dies. But to completely deny is dangerous. It causes all kinds of bad stuff. Even though she denies her baggage it's still there in her subconscious mind constatnly creating havoc in her life. And if you saw her life you would see the horrible things she's needlessly endured by resisting God and His offer of release and healing. Although this is horrible, it does free up my energy. I do work daily forgiving and freeing us from the destructive forces that keep us apart, but nothing seems to change and yet maybe everything is changing. I know that even after his death I worked on forgiving my dad and I am really clear with his energy, I don't feel any ill feelings when I think of him. My sister used to try to guilt me into seeing them, telling me that I would regret my actions when they're gone. I can honestly say that I've not regretted my decision to remove myself from their lives even after my father died. It was the single best decision I have ever made. It brought me closer to God and my life got better and better beginning with that one step. My brother Jim was really the only person I felt who totally understood and didn't try to persuade me into seeing them. He totally accepted my decision and supported it at least in my presence. Daily I give my will to Him, asking if it is His will that we see each other again. Knowing my resistance and my human weaknesses I always ask for His will to be done, not mine. I think I can lay this guilt to rest and be free. She ran away from home and does not want to be found. Being found would force her to look at things she's not ready to see. I'm totally okay with that. I will continue to pray and see her bathed in God's light.

Releasing guilt is healing. I'm working on that this week. Asking what is holding me back (my job). Being made aware (God's part), asking for Him to release me from it's hold (my job), Affirming His truth (my job), Him coming in and cleansing and purifying (His job), me fully understanding with faith that He has already answered my prayer (my job), denying it's appearance as it dies out (my job). Receiving and accepting the new good (my job), giving thanks (my job).

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