Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Rambling In The Valley...

I'm a little off my game today, sort of weepy and not myself. This is typical of the time right after going up to the "Mountaintop", there is always the coming back down into the valley. These used to be much worse. The times of depression I spent were always after times of great learning, cleansing and healing, times of joy. My boys were playing Pixar Monopoly yesterday and it triggered a memory. They received that game years ago for Christmas and I remember the boys and my husband setting it up in the boys room and they wanted me to come and play with them. I was in the bathroom, laying on the floor crying because I was in so much pain from depression, not physical pain, but emotional pain and I just wanted to be left alone to die. I felt so helpless that I couldn't snap out of it, but I really wanted to play the game. So I spent a few minutes praying and then I washed my face and joined them. That one little step was the beginning of my recovery. I loved my boys and my husband so much that the pain of not playing the game was more intense than my own little selfish drama. Fast forward several years later and I have the tools to help myself bounce back. Whereas back then I was just learning. There are warning signs of the depression. Not wanting to shower, having to force myself out of bed, needing familiar smells, such as my m & m lip smacker (a gift from my daughter years ago), Kiehl's musk and Kiss My Face Lime and Green Tea shampoo. These scents are from a time when I was extremely happy (a mountanin top time) and they seem to have the ability to sort of snap me back to reality. There is a specific day in my head even, a rainy Halloween day that we spent going to K-Mart in Camarillo to fish around for last minute costume goodies, had lunch at Roundtable Pizza and then came home and got ready for trick or treat. Hayley was with us and Bret joined us later in the day, which made it even better. I have so many of these "perfect" days in my head and I want all of my days to be like them. When I'm in the valley, I start to feel as if there will never be another day as good as those. Not healthy, I know, but this is what it's like in the valley. It doesn't last and it's easier when you know what to expect. It doesn't help that I want cold, rainy weather and we're having a heatwave with warm balmy nights. I really want to move past this so that I can enjoy even the warm balmy nights, rather than reminisce about a Christmas season from the past where we had tons of rain and even some hail. I did go outside last night when I let George in and I stood out in the moonlight and it was so clear that Pluto looked like a plane hovering up in the sky, so close that I felt like I could almost reach out and touch it. I listened to the wind blowing through the chimes and felt the warmth on my skin, reminding me of a night in Hawaii, spent with my best friend Lesley during winter break in high school, where we walked to a spot on a low lying cliff to watch a mantaray and her mate swim and play every night. I love how the mind works to recall things to help bring joy back into the moment. Even if not feeling joy at the time, the total recall of those days did bring back happiness for a few minutes. Maybe this is why it's so important to make everyday as joyful as possible. I see some people aging who want to check out by Alzheimers or some other disease and maybe it's because the pain of the past is too much for them. Maybe they don't have a lot of happy times to fall back on when things get tough. It's an odd mixture of feelings when I come down from the mountain top, it's a srange blend of gratitude and sadness for lack of a better descriptive. Gratitude for all the love and joy that I have and then sadness that I have not appreciated it more. It makes me want to find something to appreciate in even the darkest of days, to make an imprint on my memory, instead of blocking it out and numbing the pain, I want to express it and move through it and transcend it into something good. Being mindful of all that goes on around me in each moment is key. Living in the moment. As I type on this keyboard, I hear birds singing outside, my dog snoring next to me, the refrigerator humming. There's a delicious scent of warm vanilla and cinnamon coming from the kitchen and in my peripheral vision I can see the trees swaying gently in the wind, while a plane glides overhead reminding me of my childhood living on the flight pattern for the airport. Everything is so connected, all of our memories are related. Sights, smells, sounds, we are so fortunate to have these senses, living fully in the present is the best way to say thanks to our Creator for these gifts, rather than just absently going about our days in a mindless pattern of busy-ness. I also find that rather than being in my mode of constantly trying to better my surroundings, I want to enjoy "our space" exactly as it is, because it's where we spend our time together and rather than see all that needs to be done, I focus more on all the fun we've had here, but instead of feeling joy, it's that strange blend of sadness and gratitude (again for not appreciating as much as I should have). The same with our cars, rather than procede with our plans of buying a newer model Land Cruiser, I am all of a sudden completely happy with Dolly because she's a part of our family. Maybe this is an answer to my prayer to be happy with what I have, instead of always needing more. It's exhausting to constantly desire something new and better. If I know God, this will be another paradox, I will be satisfied and yet attract more in spite of not persuing. There is also my issue of clarity on the food front. This is also exhausting and I see the insanity of my food issues. I am understanding more how some of my friends must feel who want to believe that God is good, but don't trust themselves and feel it might be their ego just trying to tell them something good. This is how I feel about the food information I'm receiving. It keeps telling me to eat whatever I want, but only eat when hungry. "Food is only for hunger, Health comes from Me." It makes total sense to me and yet the brainwashing is so deep. I read the blog of a raw food mom and she doesn't seem to have anymore peace than I do, she struggles with will power, starts and stops, she struggles with food addictions just like the rest of us. Could it be that we're all going about health the wrong way. Maybe it's our thoughts that control our health, rather than what we eat. I've asked for clarity, I have professed my willingness to have His will done (not mine) and yet still the answer is "Food is only for hunger, Health comes from Me". So I keep asking for more clarity and I feel like He's just going to say, "Luka what else do you want me to tell you, there is nothing more to say, it's this simple, why can't you accept this"? But I continue to pester and ask for more clarity. Could it be that gluttony is the only sin of our bodies? I'm trying to be more mindful of my eating, stopping when not quite full, no eating when I'm not hungry, no snacking just to snack. In my times of silence I have heard things alluding to these ideas. Things that eating for health completely contradicts what Jesus taught. He worked primarily in Mind and He aligned His mind with God and He became not only health, but a healer. Is this all that is necessary? Is putting faith in food or medicine worshipping a false idol? Maybe when we reach a certain point in our growth we have to grow up and understand bigger Truths. I just want to make sure I'm understanding His Truth and not my truth.

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